-Senseless-

Senseless, totally senseless, once again i am subjected to a crazy dream of mine. I guess it is inevitable for such a dream to appear for a person who thinks a lot like me. I woke up in disbelief, totally amused at what a dream i had. In my dream, I saw benny, and ed over at angie home. Ben and ed were holding a live chicken and discussing how to kill it. Then came faith with a knife and sadistically killing th helpless chicken while the rest(jp, nick, eric, weizheng, amanda) carries on watching television. What a dream!

Well, apart from that, i just had a thrashing out session with my mum. I anticipated for this moment for quite sometime. I was right, both of us had so much of steam to let out that it was pretty heated from the way we communicated.

Mum says she doesnt like my way of life, saying that it is indecent and stuff. basically, everything that i did was unpleasant in the eyes of hers. Be it going out with frens, my sports life style, my night life, studies, everything was nonsensical in the eyes of hers. Well, there is nothing much that i could do as well, i guess. Hmmm, am i really wrong? I dun know at all. I mean, whats exactly wrong with indulging in healthy activities like wakeboarding, scuba diving, basketball, gym and many more? Mum kept on emphasising that i have not been home for a decent meal since the holidays started but for as long as i could remember, no one ever made the effort to sit down and have a meal together as a family.

Another thing that incurred her wrath was my social circle of frens. In the past she always detest all my male frens from poly and jc. No matter how much i explain and tried to change her opinions, it just seems that her perceptions will forever be the same. Ok, fine, so i started to hang out more with girls and stuff. Then came were the non stop droning that the girls i hang out with are not decent and wild. It seems no matter who i hang out with, she will be unhappy from the start to the end. What kind of nonsense is that? God! Knock some sense into my mum will ya?

For as long as i can recall, all my female frens are all from veri well established backgrounds. Pple like amanda, xy, my gf and many many more. They are musically inclined, talented and well educated. So wat is she unhappy about? I dun understand at all. What made me so pissed up was even SpSd frens were spared from that robotic mouth of hers. Argh! Sooner or later i will go crazy from all of her nonsense. Dad din caree much about my frens. Apart from telling me nicely to come home earlier next time and try to make an effort to stay at home, he basically kept quiet most of the time. Dad gives me immense amount of freedom which i admit i tend to misuse from time to time.

freedom to me is like gold and precious treasure. Reason ebing that i did not enjoy all this since young. At the same time, i enjoy being out in the night. I am a night based person by nature. Well, thats me. Ha! Hmmm, well, i guess it is only at night when i can really relax myself. I like the night, i like the quietness, the mysterious aura that only night time could give me. I realised that i cant do without my freedom. Lets jus say that i am a person who is in control of my life. although it is right that parents are the ones who have control over their children but i am a person who wans to be in control of my own life. I cant stand it when my parents always tells me what i should do and what i should not. I am old enuf to decide for myself as well as being independant.

The only thing which i admit i had overdone is my clubbing lifestyle. For that i am willing to change. I guess parents will always be worried for the safety for their children. Indeed, i spent a long time outside today after thrashing things with my mum. I reflected and thought what exactly caused this great change between me and my mum. I guess mum feels veri much insecured. Parents who only have one son will either give them immense freedom or over control them. For my case, mum is being veri protective towards me since young. I really respect and love her for her concern but i guess once a child grows up, excess amount of control will only cause a child to be more and more rebellious. i do not wish myself to step into this rebellious stage. I wish to handle this more maturely as an adult and try to undestand my mum at the same time. Though it is a real tough goal to acheive but i am willing to take up the challenge.

back!

okie, i am back to singapore finally. Guess what, i was a good boy to stay at home tonight with no activities like clubbing and stuff. i guess my mum needed that bit of security from this bad son of hers. However, my return brought to me certain amount of "bad" news. Firstly, the most important issue is of course family.

Dad had sold of our flat, and well, i will be moving to a smaller five room flat over at chua chu kang. To tell the truth, i am reluctant to leave my present home. Alright, i am a bit spoiled, i enjoy being in a big house but on top of that, i am attached to this home. I mean, come on, this is my home for the past ten years! However, upon looking the big picture, i am glad that my dad has crossed over his bad patch of time. Thank God that my family is safe and sound.

Second thing is bout me and my frens, and i mean all of my frens. i had a long talk with one of my spsd fren today. He gave me a lot of advice as well as pointed out what were my mistakes and faults. I was suprised that i accepted all of it easily. well, i was aware that sometimes i tend to leave out pple unknowingly when i interact with other pple. Which was why some of my frens were not veri happy with the way i handle stuff. Hmmm, guess i have to change on that. Just want to saay sorry to pple whom i have left out and just want to say that it is not intentional. Sorry bout it.

sometimes upon reflecting, i find that i over done myself sometimes when i mix in with different frens. One main issue is with the girls especially. Hmmm, pple tend to ovelook the fact that i am mixing in not because i am a CH guy. I mean, whats wrong with knowing girls beta? buT, i also find myself getting too attached with them, as a result, i neglected the guys. Guess it is time for me to change...

I mis my gf a lot. Hmmm, lets just say i am still veri much in my honey moon period. SOmetimes i feel a bit insecure of myself. Reason being i feel a bit inferior as compared to her but i guess relationship doesnt just revel around physical status, qualifications and looks. I really hope i can grow to be a more mature man, to be able to take care of her and also learn how to make my relationship a succesful one. i am pretty skeptical about relationships because i have been hurt b4 and i do not wish for that to happen...

Am i thinking too much again? Oh my! Bad habit of mine... HA!

Worried!

I am worried, i am seriously. Should i head my way back? Lots of things boggin my mind now after that call from mum. First thing that she told me was bad news that really destroyed all my mood. She told me that dad is not feeling well and that we will be moving house due to unforseen financial crisis. Shit man, what am i suppose to do?? I feel like an ant on running around in a hot pot.

For a long time i have not been a good son to my mum or dad, not showering them with the concern and care that they will need from me as their son. dad is not in good health condition, and for the first time i felt fear arising from deep within me. I am worried.

i am at a loss....

Attached!!

Wow, i must say london is so so spetecular! I been to so many places to shop, take pictures and also not forgetting about food! Most important of all, i am attached!
Oh yes i am! I won her heart! HA! It felt so special, so mystical when i prompted her the question. I waited for quite sometime for this day i think. To think the amount of effort i placed to create the atmosphere and also the right timing to ask her was pretty tiring, but, everything was worthwhile. ha!

Hmmm, lets see, angie was lured out of the house early in the morning by ade to go shopping. During this period of time, the lights arrivied and everyone set on the task to design the lights on the outside of her house. It was a lucky thing that her house was a small villa, giving me enough space to form the words "i love u" with the lights that i bought. It was so tiring la. Even with the help of the workers that came delivering the lights, all of us were so freaking shag at the end of it. It was veri veri amazing. Right after i am done with the lightings, i bathed, changed and went to pick angie up for dinner.

Alright, here comes the fun part. We went to Ritz restaurant to have a perfect five course meal. It was so nice! I am at a loss of words to describe the food. Ha! During dinner, she suspected something was "wrong", but kept quiet. It was so funny looking at her expression. Ok, dinner always comes with dessert and i booked a place at The Orangery which is located at Kensington Palace for one of the most sumptous desseert i ever ate! Marvelous!

Timing is so so delicate in my case. Reason being that i have to reach back to the villa before she does. Lucky thing matt came to fetch me while i sent angie back home on a cab. Angie gave me a blur look. I assured her that i was going to get some stuff and told her to be on her way home first. She did and matt drove at a shocking speed to send me home asap. Okie, i was quite lucky to have made it in the end. Then, i rushed to get the lights working and hiding myself inside the house waiting for her. Angeline was so shocked when i switched on the lights when she got off the cab. She just stared and stared. then i came out, went up to her and hugged her, whispering into her ear asking her the question. I dun know why but i cried. Ha! my tears are like free one lor.

My question was met with a nod and a light reply from her. I lost track of time and both of us just stood outside the house hugging and looking at the lights. I never felt so happy b4. Is happy the right word? Hmmm, but anyway, the night din just end here. HA, but i shall just stop here. It is indeed a bit too mushy to record all down into my blog. Ha!

Love u foreva Angie! =)

Bye bloggy....

Okie, from today, i will not be touching my favourite computer for quite sometime. So the same would go for my blog, i will not be updating it fr quite sometime. I am excited, so freaking exhilerated about my trip tml. The thought of being able to spend quality times with angie has made my heart glowed. I look forward to the trip a lot.

As for the ndp trainings and also my participation, i guess it would be inevitable if i could not attend or even take part due to the clash between my trip and the trainings. Well, there is nothing much i could do as well, but whateva it is, i will pray for things to turn out well for me. I dun wish to be taken out, not after i have went through so much of trainings. I mean i can always come back early, but, angie is juz too precious to me at this moment. I placed her as one of my top piorites even though ndp is just as impt. Well, guys are all the same i guess. When it comes to chasing after a girl or spending time with someone they like, nothing else matters at all to them. At least i am one of them. Ha!

i planned a suprise for angie, i wonder what will her reaction be when she finds out what has been installed for her. However, to plan this surprise, i paid quite a huge "price" and i do mean Price! It is so ex lor. Ha! Howeva, i feel that it is all worth it, i mean, this is nothing compared to the sacrifices she or me will do for each other. Ha!

I wonder why i felt so different this time. I mean, it is not as though i have never went overseeas b4, but it just feels like the pinnacle of my life. Strange, veri strabge indeed. Ha! Anyway, i have to go. Hmmm, if i ever get to go online over there, i will most prob blog again. But, till then, blogging will stop. Ha!

Hmmm....

Did i do something wrong? Hmmmm... it seems like layling is not veri friendly towards me these few days. Hmmm... Maybe i am thinking too much. Besides, she has a boyfriend already ma, so what can i expect man? Ha, i guess i lost out a good supper partner, now that she's attached and has lesser time. Maintaining friendship isnt something which i am good at i guess. Hmmm, but seriously, i look forward to be able to tok to layling over coffee b4 i go overseas. Why? MAybe i juz wan to seek some advice from pple that are more experienced. I find it esier to tok to her. HA!

Had a tiring day out today. With barely six hours of sleep, i went on to sentosa to sun tan and stuff. I feel quite shag out today to be honest, but... i forced myself on and on. I mean, i dun wan to see the mood of all of us go down ma. But anyway, it is an eventful trip in the end. Sinful times came as we went on to have sinful chocolates at bakers inn. It is fabulous.

I just hope that wen i return from my trip i will be able to tok to layleng one day over coffee... haha... Frens should always keep in contact one ma... Whats wrong with my language today? So broken... haha... dots all over the place... Important fren she is to me... haha... I think i am thinking too much! ha! Later angie get jealous... haaha!

Give me some peace...

Give me some peace, my ears are so tired. Could u pls stop drumming my ears with ur useless and nonsensical lecturing? I know what i am doing and i am not doing any wrong. So stop using me as ur toy for venting ur frustration. I am not ur toy for that. Mum, i respect u as my mother but soemtimes ur drumming just comes at the veri wrong time. I dun need it at all. Not even daddy is saying anything. Well, at least Dad is more reasonable to sit down with me for a cup of coffee and tok to me nicely. Unlike for my mum who would just pop out of nowhere and start her endless droning like a machine. Siao lor...

I have been so stressed out over the past few days. Just as i was able to relax myself for that bit, there she goes again, spoiling my mood that was slightly lifted up during a karaoke session this afternoon. I mean, if u want to tell me something, why not do it nicely? Must u shout and scream? It is veri disturbing. Well, even though i am good at stoning and turn a blind eye to my surroundings, sometimes she just makes my blood boil!

See, i am delayed because of her. I cant even go to angeline house at the time i had promsied her i would. I admit that i am wrong for not staying at home and be a good boy. However, why cant my mum come to terms that i am a responsible guy who doesnt get into trouble? Is it my fault to be occupied with activities? No! I should get to enjoy as much as i can! Life is only there once! I should make full use of it and not leaving it there to rot and be a goody mummy's boy. It is real boring to only study and stay at home. It is just like a prisoner improsoned in his own home, how pathetic!

However, i was pretty glad that i was able to relax my vexed up and fatigue mind over k box today! it was pretty fun! ha! I din know that zihui has such a good vocal power and that she sounded like sun yanzi. I was stunned when i knew it was her. Maybe i should tell my teacher about zihui. Teacher would probably groom her into a star in the nearby future. Ha! i really cant sing today. I think i am atrocious... Sianzz.... I was so disappointed in myself in my singing today. Maybe i should go back for more lessons to improve myself. HA!

sigh....

i spent the whle of last night tossing and turning around in my bed. I simply cant get myself into slumberland without remembering unwanted images flashing around in my eyes. I am so painful. Can anyone help me? I cant feel my own heart since monday. I feel strange. Two days without sleep and i am still hanging on, but how much more can i go? i dun know, i really dun know...

I went over to angeline's house this morning. Howevea, i froze at her gate, and i stood there for a veri long time not daring to press the door bell. I was somewhat scared and tired. I din even notice that rain was pouring from the sky. in less than ten minutes i was as wet as a pail of soaked clothes. Still i din mmove. I felt it was as though the sky is crying on my behalf. i stood crying alone in the rain. I cant control myself at all. And just like this, i stood for two hours.

Angie's maid came out and she saw me. She was kinda shocked. She went in to call for angeline. Angeline was so shocked to see me dreched outside alone. She rushed out without even taking umbrella and pulled me into her house. I din feel cold nor sick despite all the rain and all the wind. I felt a strange warmth rising from within wen i saw angeline. i went to take a bath and i was so groggy wen i came out of the bathroom. i was damn tired. Just like that i feel asleep on angie's couch(a chair that can be used for sleeping... extendable type...). it was veri nice of her to put a blanket overme...

i fell into a deep sleep. i guess only angie has the power to relax my tense up mind. thank u angie... thanx for tolerating my dumbness and sadness. sometimes, i just feel that caring for someone can be so painful sometimes, especially when that person means a lot to u. but is also through this times where one finds the happiness within and that is what that makes everything so special. i feel tired and painful, angie... can u open up this daed lock within myself? am i hopeless?

the answer is out... somewhere...

Love and Openess

HAha, i hope there is such a word as openess. I am just so lazy to go and check the dictionary. I spent the whole day talking to jian fu about a lot of things but mainly love and openess is the thing i stress about a lot. Indeed, true love drives all fear away and only by being open to people and the world around u can one make changes in his or her life. True, how true indeed.

I begin to think a lot today, espcially people that are precious to me during this period of time. I came to terms of how fortunate and blessed i am, not because of how rich i am but rather all the frens and people that are around my life throughout this period of time. Though i hurt a few but they are still precious to me. I just wan to say i am real sorry to weizhen and liyi for hurting them last few months. Especially to liyi, sorry... sorry... I failed to be my part as a bf to her and caused hurt to her even wen she sacrificed a lot for me. Memories will forever be etched in my mind.

At the same time, i am also veri grateful to frens who stood by me and have built a much stronger frendship with me. My frens since young like angeline, amanda, xy, matthew, weizheng, wilson etc. Not forgetting frens from my secondary and my JC fens as well... People dfrom SAjc, Jurong JC: weiting, layshan, guan rui, desmond, weiguang, etc. YUpz, and i am glad that i have becoame more and more open and truthful to myself over this period of time. i am able to mature and grow, to learn how to have good human relationship with pple. Just wan to thank God that i have found a new batch of frens, and they are my frens from SpSD. Though i am not close to everyone in there, but i must say i have found a few frens who i can tok heart to heart. Or so i think... hahaha! Hmmm, lets see, they are layleng(spelled it right finally), jianfu, joan, kelvin.

HOwever, the person that cuased the most change in me during these few months wa ANgeline(not the church one... pls). Is it the poweer of love? i dunno, but i know that i cant afford to lose her at this current juncture. It is not that i have treated her as my everything, but just that she is someone real special and someone who i will wish to spend my rest of my life with. Ha! Am i thinking too far? haha... As said, love is powerful, love is the basic of all humans. Love drives out all fear! ha!

Hmmm, think i should just write this down as well. I dreamt of weizhen last night. She seemed so demure and pure. I was kinda awed by the presence of her. Both of us were standing in a MRT train. I wanted to call her name, but find myself having reservations and did not speak. What happenes next i am not sure. My dreams are always like this, being unable to recall everything when i wake up in the morning. It just feels like an old movie playing, with errors in the middle. Which is why i enjoyed sleeping so much SOMETIMES.... I like to be in a movie... hahahaha... Well, i can only remember bits and pieces. At last she left, i wanted to stop her but stood rooted to the bloody ground. Next thing i knew it?

I am awake. Bleh!

Back!

Hmmm, it has been quite some days since i last updated my blog. I was so so tired for the past few days that i forgot to even on my dear computer. Well, i just installed a new software that changed my entire windows Skin to a brand new image. so cool! I felt so shag after the chionging session i had with debra and gang... The girls were like little mad ladies that went on laughing and runnning and stuff after they were drunnk... so funny... Hmmm, i am feeling a little moody now. Ha, i dun know why too....

I am feeling so mixed up now. I lost quite a lot of sleep thinking of relationships. Well, it is not that i am rushing or anything, but i just want to sort out my thoughts before i make any choice. Seeing as more and more of my frens get attached one by one, i felt strange that i am still single. It is not that i am some Despo that is in need of girls, but rather, there are just somethings if i do not cherish it, it will be gone sonner or later. Time does not wait for anyone, not for me at least, which is why i feel that i should made up my mind: to give up totally on weizhen and start a new relationship with angeline, or treat everything between me and angie as a dream and carry on waiting for weizhen. I am confused!

The time when i really confirmed my own feelings was during the period of time when i fell sick with fever. though it was just two days, but throughout that two days, she came over to accompany me and stayed over at my house. I felt so sweet and soothing during those two days for she provided the care and warmth i needed that time and it was also that time when i really told myself that she has to be the one for me. Despite the fact that she has to work, she still came and slept here with the risk of catching the fever has really moved me a lot...

The fact that angeline gave me such obvious hint that she is ready to start out the relationship with me made me nervous. It is not that i dun like her, but, i just felt something is not right. I am lacking of confidence. I went out with angeline today for lunch and some shopping. There was two times where i held her hand unknowingly and she did not reject my advances towards her. I felt so amazing each time i am with her, especially today. It is a fact that it is a mutual thing between the both of us that we like each other, but i guess it is me that is not doing the initiation. There has been a couple of times where she came over my house to stay over as well as brought me over to her house for dinner(meet the parents), things are so obvious now but i juz dun know why i am not doing anything... i am really damn slow...

I once told myself that for her, i would do anything, anything to bring her happiness and to be truthful to her always. I want to uphold my own promise and which is why i am trying so hard to forget about weizhen. Maybe i should just make myself clear to her. i dun wan to lose angie, never. I love her, i really do and i love her with my life.

Why? I dun Understand my feelings.....

I felt so strange. I dun undertstand myself at all. After what she told me, i felt a sudden urge in me to confess how i felt. I felt real strange, it is like part of me is gone, i could not feel my heart at all. feel so awful now. Do i like her? I dun know at all. I really dun know. And what was worse was i had to act like i am so happy in front of her, i have to show that i am fine, nothing much is wrong. I hate this! Especially just now, I had such a hard time trying to cope with the fact that, ya, she is gone liao, Ivan give it up la!

Through this few months, i found myself getting moe and more confused. there are so much feelings in me that i had hide in myself, not daring to face them or to deal with it, only when the worst has happened only do i learn to regret my decisions. Argh! Throughout this times, i have learnt to accept the fact that she is important in my heart And i cant deny it at all. I cant sleep tonit, not a way can i fall asleep without the words ringing constantly. I am not heartbroken, but just felt sad and i dun know how to describe it. Limited vocabulary for me.

Love is blind indeed, love is also misleading and i come to terms that one do have the possibilty of liking more than one person at the same time. What makes it different is just the degree of love one has for the other. What am i thinking?? what is wrong with me?? Sigh......