take care

she's discharged. Yupz, she is. after meeting layling up to pass her the survey form, i made a trip down to the hospital. Well, i did not let her know that i was there. Perhaps it is the fear in me that she will turn a blind eye to me. Ben spoke to me last night regarding our relationship. Though i wasnt too happy with what he has said to me, nevertheless i am grateful to him for his care and concern.

Auntie told me that angie is having a good progress in terms of recovery. however, deep down i know that she is having ahard time. It is true, from the many times i visited her, i could see that there wasnt a night where she could have a good night rest. she is still veri much traumatised by that incident. i guess the only thing i could do now is to pray for her. for i really donot know what else i could do for her.

my mind is in a swirl now. I could not concentrate on my upcoming exams which will commence in two days time. Damn.. there is just too much questions and troubles in me. I feel suffocated. There have been times when i wanted to seek solace, to confide my problems with frens, but will they understand what i am going through? i dun know... dun know at all... perhaps it would be beta to keep everything within myself.

-lostboy-

seperation

i went over to visit her last night. Upon reaching her room, i lost all courage to enter her room. I just stood outside quietly, looking into her room, gazing at her face as she slept. tears dropped again as i stood rooted to the spot, looking at how much pain she went through. She seems so frail and fragile now, like a little doll that was broken. my mind is desvastated.

Throughout this while, i had tried everything i could to cheer her up, but it seems all so futile. there is nothing much i feel i could do. as her boyfren i feel so useless and helpless. no one understood what i am going through. jain fu told me that i mjaybe sticking too much to her that caused her rejection towards me. but seriously, what else do u expect me to do? how can i not be by her side at this moment?

it sucks, i hate to be stuck in situations where i cant advance nor retreat. Visiting her daily seems wrong and yet not being by her side seems wrong too. So what the hell am i suppose to do? thoughts ran wild in my mind. I sat silently outside her room for the whole night yesterday. I didnt have the strength to step inside neither the courage to leave. i yearned so desperately for her to recover, to be back the same old self she was, but god seems to be playing tricks time and time again on me.

Something struck me, and that word was seperation. Maybe jian fu was right, if things arent working out, why not just retreat for the time being? Sounds easy, but i dun think i could do that. i really wonder what will happen to our relationship? what is goiong to happen in the future. there is so much agony and pain in me which words just could no longer describe. God, show me your way...

anger

I am going crazy... angie has met with a mishap... argh!!

just as things are falling into the right track, my good fren, or what it was in the past actually hurt angeline. That fucker, not only did he caused a permanent mental scar in angie but he also hurt her physically!! Yes, he almost raped her. I was in a complete shock when i reached the hospital yesterday night. I could not beleive that this has happened and it is actually my gf that was involved. Angie was in a state of shock and she would not stop screaming whenever she sees someone enter into the ward. It was the first time i saw her went mad. She could not even recognise me. My heart bled. I cried. I dunno what to do. No matter wat i say, she would not respond. she just cuddled herself into a ball on the bed, crying, screaming and thrashing her limbs wildly whenever someone gets close. she could not even recognise me..... not even me.... why.... why.... i dunno... i cant stop crying, just cant... i couldnt speak, cant even get myself moving, the docs gave her two jabs to stabalise her. i went into shock myself. First thing that came to my mind was to find that fucker.

i sense the anger in me building up. i feel my hands crying out to me, telling me to kill that fucker. i feel like i am going crazy. i had never lost my cool before, not like this case. i dunno what i will do once i lose my own sensibility and senses. angie, will u pls take a look at me?? pls for god sake, i am calling out to u!! i cant stop crying... why mus this happen?? why!!??

sorry...

yo miko... real sorry for what happened to ur computer man... din mean for it to happen... will do everything within my means to bring ur com back to normal... sorry hor...

Low morale

i dun really know what has gotten into me, but i felt rather lost this semester. I really could not catch up with what the class is teaching, or rather should i say i had lost the spirit in me to carry on studying this course. Hmmm, it is veri reare of me to give up so easily but i just could not get myself standing up with courage and telling myself, " yes, ivan, u will get good grades this semester" a lot of things are bogging my mind and i just could not calm my unsettled mind down.

I dun wish to go on like this, but somehow i just feel so deflated. i kept giving myself false hopes but it doesnt seem to be helping as well. Lecturers do not like me, partly i know that i myself is at fault for not doing my work. Why did things turn out this way? why did i become so bad?? Why am i such a weak person?? Where have all my past efforts go to?? Where? WHere? Where?

i cant help but feel so alone at this period of time. I cant mix in with my class, not because i am not on good terms with them, but, it is just that i feel so inferior to them. Each time i step into my class, i feel i am the weakest and lousiest person in my class. Weba teacher toked to me the other day, he said that though he has submitted a report that was reasonably good, but the upper level pple did not feel justified and asked him to review my case again. Shit, fcuk, damn... so what the hell is going on actually?

without even embarking on this last battle to fnish my studies, i feel i have lost half of it already. I could not untie the knot in my heart and i beleive no one can help me. I tried so desperately hard but it jus doesnt seem to help. Its been a long time since i feel myself sinking into depression. Sigh, god, show me some answers will ya.. tell me how should i get myself up... i hate myself...

Wednesday

I regretted my actions yesterday towards my mum. Somehow i wasnt able to control my own temper and i shouted at her over the phone. Hmmm, guess i am a bad child afterall. i did not return home last night as i just could not bear to step into the house. Firstly, i wan to avoid having another clash with my mum. Secondly, due to the lack of usage of internet, i had no choice but to make a trip down over to angie house. it has been a real long time since i last accompanied her. i guess i had neglected her quite a bit.

Angie is on her way to a speedy recovery And this is something that has really lifted my mood up. She tried hard to cheer me up, and well, just looking at her lifts my spirit high. She looked real cute last night wearing that braggy pyjamas of hers. angie is a girl that is so cute yet fragile like a piece of glass. Which is why i cant bear to do anything that may cause her to be unhappy. She was quite surprised by my turn up last night as she thought that i would be over at amanda's place. I was really glad that she understood my intentions of going over to amanda's house. Her understanding was so much appreiciated.

As usual, we talked and chatted till late in the night amidst my project which i was rushing over at her house. i told her how i felt yesterday after toking to liyi the other day. to tell the truth, i am still unable to heal completely from the break up between me and liyi. Liyi looked real weary the other day when we met up. it really tore my heart apart to hear how she has been doing. Her results has been slipping from what i knew from kel... i really hope she could pick herself up for there is a lot of other good guys, pple that are much much better than me. Liyi, do u know how much i wan to say "sorry" to u? i din meant to hurt u in the first place but if nothing but pain is going to come out of this relationship, i would rather end it.

will i ever have another chance to be good frens with u again? i dun know. i seriously dun know. All i know is to write down my thougts that has been in my mind all this while since we broke up.
I had once loved u real dearly, however, i realised too that what i had for u was more of a sister to a brother relationship. i really wan to hug u and tell u in ur ears all my thoughts, all my regrets but i know that it is impossible. Sorry for everything that i have done.

Forgive me... i am sorry...

man loses cool

Yup.... i lost my cool totally today this morning. I never knew i would be so disrespectful to my parents. I kinda regret my actions this morning. However, i feel that if i do not speak out how i felt to my mum, nothing will ever get going. It is such a crazy morning. It so happen that when i woke up, my hair was standing up like soldiers on a parade ground. They were standing up high into the sky and of course, they were spiky. So mum happily came in and started to shout and scream saying that i look like some little punkster. Then she went on and on insulting all of my frens, saying that i always mix in with bad company. SOunds normal right? well, it is not.

if things had been like this i would not even lose my cool. It was only when she said that i was trying to drive her to her grave and screamed that she would rather not have me as her son that really broke my heart. These are words that are real harsh. I really could not stand it anymore. Then on and on she went on to say how much money she has wasted on me, how a great soender i am and stuff. In the beginning i was already down with muscle ache and fever, making me easily frustrated. Her scolding was like a c4 bomb that wreaked all my self control. I lost it all.

i went into my room, took my wallet and threw all my atm, debit cards back over to her. I feel that if she really feels that i am wasting her money, then what for do i still need these cards for? i do not need them at all. and so i went out of the house penniless. I could not be bothered with her. it is so so sickenning. I really dun comprehend her thoughts at all! What more does she expects? I had already paid my own school fees, paid my own handphone bills and transport my self. Not to mention my daily expenses, so what exactly is she unhappy about??

One blow doesnt seem really enough as another blow soon came by. On sunday, i went out with kel and gang. So guess what? Liyi was there as well. Right, so everything juz came flowing back to my mind like a submarine decending up the sea. It took me so long to get over her, but somehow upon seeing her, i could no longer hold it. I felt immense amount of pain. I find it hard to maintain a simling face in front of all my frens anymore. It is such a tiring task. But what else can i do besides trying to be ahppy?

sigh.,............

family

somehow i admire my frens whenever they tell me how understanding their parents are or how caring their parents are. Somehow i failed to comprehend what exactly my parents are thinking. It is real hard to emphatise them when all they know is non-stop reprimanding. sometimes i really wonder what exactly did i did that make them so fed up with me. I really could not understand. I really detest staying at home nowadays. it is not that i fear facing my mum, but rather it is the fear of more and more arguments breaking out unnecessarily that makes me hesitant of going back home.

am i a failure? in someways i do feel i am when i see how bad my relationship is with my parents. sigh... i really just dun understand why my mum seem to be so ever angry at me. She seems to be angry over the most tiny weeny bit of things. NOthing is pleasing in her eyes. Scolding, screaming and shouting became her mother tounge. although i felt bad for ignoring her yesterday after the ndp and went over to stay at amanda's hse, i felt that it was the only thing i could do at that moment of anger.

I felt strange yesterday myself too. Instead of calling angie up to go oevr to her place, i chose to go over to ade's place instead. i dun know man. perhaps it is due to her inability to emphatise my situation that i dcided not to go over to her house. Ade stayed up whole night with me and tried her best to calm me down. somehow i really feel so down. i hugged her as i cried out my helplessness and agony. Home to me is just like another form of prison which i dun enjoy going back at all. I do not undestand why i have been thinking this way. I have always regard myself as someone who is mature enough to handle relationships as well as my family. But somehow that picture is gone, gone from the grasp of my hands.

hmmm, i guess i am simply thinking too much. No one is perfect, and everyone has his or her set of weakenesses. I just hope that i am able to mature to be a stronger person, a person of solid goals and resolutions and someone who is able to perfect himself from his weakenesses.