she's confused....

i went over to harbour front to find her yesterday. and guess what? i actually told her everything and naturally i told her that i hope she would giv me and herself a chnace... though chances seem so slim, i decided to tell her honestly. because i feel that if i do not tell her, i will be seeing a chance slip past my hand, a good girl going away from me... was i rash? i dunno... i dun think i was... i knew what i wanted...

in case u guys are wondering why i deleted my last posts, hmmm, lets just say i find it pointless to voice out my grudges for pple to read... sounds like i am a spoilt brat refusing to come to light with life... so, no more self pitying... i need to get back to the me i was half a year ago... the one full of confidence and strive, the one that isnt afraid of losing and one thaat wins... well, i guess, if i were to move her, to touch her heart, i will have to show her who i was and my true self... this period of sadness has to go away... guess if "u" read this, pls really believe that i will not be going on drinking my life away and smoking my days pass... i promised that i will change and i will... but hope u will really try to trust me and believe in me... =)

i know that u need time also... but just hope... hmmm... it would be ur hand that i will be holding in the future... haha... ok ok... a bit the mushy right? nvm.... haha....

ivan is back!

.........

she said it, i respect her decision. I din wan to but i told her it is ok. She did not say anything else except a sorry. my tears have answered my heart... i dun know what to say to her at that point of time excet for agreeing and telling her to take care. I was pretty much stunned at what she said. i messaged a few of my frens, wanting to tok to them, but to no avial, din mange to.

it suddenly dawn on me how lonely and helpless i can be when i needed help. Joan was there to help, and not that i dun wan to tok to her about this, but somehow, facing her, i just cant speak out my agonies. messaged four person last night, only two replied and these two is none other than my sun nu and joan... guess i should be happy that at least they still replied... i am sad... real sad....

relationships never have an affinity with me... maybe i am not suited for any.... angie... if u ever come to my blog... i juz want to say i am waiting... will be waiting...

love u...

Thank You!

A big thank you to all who turn up on saturday for my birthday. Thanks for coming, haha, i had a nice time, serious. Till here, i wan to specially thank layling for her cae and concern. I know i was dead drunk, but i was still sober enuf to know that layling was beside me, holding me. Thanks man, i was lucky not to have puked again, if not i cant imagine what will happen man. Happy birthday to u! Layling!

Second thanks goes to joan, for her endless support and the times where she always accompanied when i needed someone there for me. Hey, ur prezzie veri nice u know, haha, i din choose the wrong one. Muacks! Thanks!! Though i dun remember what i said to u during the time when i was walking to the mrt, i hope i din say anything wrong... haha!!

Ah gong, fish, debbie and my dear sun nu, thanks for that photo frame and the shirt. I liked it, ha! the cake was nice too, though i wasted it all due to my puking, still the tot was all that it counts i believe. (i din know u two can scream so loudly also, scared me sia) ha!!
haha, also dunno why i became so lo suo, so naggy... haha....

big thanks to everyone la... so strange man, today is my birthday and i am at home staring at my computer.... haha... what a day...

Unhappy birthday

hmmm, it has been a day since yesterday. i guess yesterday i really disgraced myself in front of all my friends. Well, there is just a thousand and one problems in my head and the most impt person did not come. That really broke my heart. But still, i did not expect myself to puke la, i know partly is because my stomach was close to emptiness, so no choice the wine sets in real fast. I dunno why, but i just felt so lonely all of a sudden. It was as though i am all alone in thihs world. Maybe i am thinking too much, but, well, just felt it that way.

i woke up today, with a mind that tells me to say sorry to the pple who i have troubled yesterday. i dun know why, but just kept smsing the pple. sorry to the pple who thinks i am a bit lo suo today, din mean for that. i wanted to find someone to tok to, but to no avail, failed. Maybe u might be wondering, joan is a good listening ear ma, why not tok to her instead? well, i did ask her out in the afternoon, but just could not start the topic, cause i fear i might break down.

gosh, until now i still dunno what i said last night... i hope i did not blabber nonsense, nor made anyone unhappy or wat. Anyway, happy birthday to myself.

dreadful night....

i lost control once again tonit... worse still, it is in front of all my impt frens... i hate it... why am i such a loser... why did i show them all my sorrows and sadness... why did i have to drown my sorrows? all becausae i could not find a way out at all... fuck it la... from now on, it shall be me, to conqier all my problems myself... maybe keeing everything to myself is much beta... maybe not telling ym mum stuff is much beta... maybe not telling anyone anything is much beta... maybe being alaone is beta... i dunno... i dunno at all... i dunno what i should do at all... my birthday did not turn out as happy as i wanted... sian la... i hate it...

Fact of the day

I am a lazy person by nature... and so i dont really enjoy updating my blog too often. This week has been totally crap to me. I felt i had wasted this one whole week away like it is my own declared holiday. Hmmm, maybe it is my upcoming birthday that is affecting me. Ha! boy, am i goiung nuts about it. Alright lets see, tml the day commences with sun tanning session at sentosa, follow by maybe a not so fufilling dinner over at harbour front and it shall end with the finale which is k box session till 2 am in the morning!! Yea!! *Applause*

Ok, i am nuts, mny first paper is due on next week friday which is like less than nine days to study and i have not even touched my notes even once. Ha! My god!! Imagine having a total of twelve chapters and ten practicals to study for. Even a sane person will go mad! I mean i weill, personally, because that subject is none other than my nemesis, WEBA! Notice how sinister the words are? My god!! Looks like satan is smiling at me saying to me that: hahaha, ivan, fail it!"

As usual, plain old crappy me, toking plain old crappy nonsense. Well, what to do? The lesson has bored me to my tears and i am suffering from a damn bad hangover. Cannot take it man, should not have gone over to paulenar. That stupid max, made me drink his unfinished bottle of vodka, trying to make my liver fry.

i do feel much beta today, not that i am trying to put up a flse front to show pple but rather the one and only thing i could do is to pray and to have lots of patience in waiting for her. It is that simple, i believe...

Fact of the day: the song (Its you) was written just for Angie.
my new song (Its ur heart) was written to symbolise my patience and love her.

Loving with my heart

You set me apart,
gave me a new life,
filled with compassion, changing me new,
Show me ur love, i wanna hold u,
establish ur truth, u all that i have

That i may dwell in ur midst forever,
loving u all day...
loving u, with all my heart
that i may stay by ur side foreva,
embracing u whole day...
loving u, with all my heart

i look back once more,
i start reminicing,
memories flow, my love is in stored
all of my days, i wanna love u
the love we once shared, thats all that i have, ohh have...

That i may dwell in ur midst forever,
loving u all day...
loving u, with all my heart
that i may stay by ur side foreva,
embracing u whole day...
loving u, with all my heart

(Bridge)

angel, may god guide ur way,
sweet anointing teach ur heart
our love will stay!!

drowning my sorrows

Its been 12 days since i last saw her. I heeded layling's advice and gave her a call. Unfortunately, auntie told me she does not wish to receive any phone calls as yet. A sudden gush of depression sets in quietly. There were times when i wanted so much to go over to her place, but the fear in me stopped me from doing so. Am i wrong in doing so? i ahve no answer for myself. the yearning in me is still burning with much intensity. The fire in me grows each day. i dun know how to confide my problems to people. All i know is to keep tem to myself and show a happy me whn i am with my frens. It is pointless to drag everybody's mood down just because of me.

I dun remember since when i started to drown my sorrows by alcohol. yes, i am escaping from reality, escaping form the various number 0f struggles that is bogging me down. i feel suffocated lately, i just need a break and my solace is alcohol. returning home dead drunk every night is not bringing a positive testimonial for my parents. Mum as usual went on speaking her mother tounge, in hope that she can drown me with all her scoldings. i can swim okie... haha!

Hmmm, though i dun enjoy getting drunk, but the highness that alcohol gives relieves of my stress temporarily. It may not be the best way, but at least i can find myself moving on. there is just so much problems here for me. Sigh... tonit shall be another night of drinking session. I am not wallowing in self pity, i am just finding a way to relax my drowning mind.

Angie is constantly in my mind, even when i sleep she never fails to appears in my dreams. i dreamt of her last night. It wasnt a sweet dream, mnore like a nightmare. i woke up, crying to myself, all alone...

How are you?

Its been three days since she has been discharged from the hospital. I really wonder how is she doing. Through these three days i messaged her twice but to my dismay, i received no reply at all. Somehow my confidence and faith towards this relationship has shaken. I am seriously worried for her. Auntie told me that she still suffers from nightmares even after she has reached home. No one knows how much i yearn to be by her side. HOwever, i fear that my presence will only unrevel the incident to her again. Sigh...

I told my mum to call of my birthday celebration yesterday. She asked me why, "Boy why suddenly u want to cancel it?" i gave my mum some lame excuse saying that i have got exams during that period and would not be able to host any celebration. However, the real reason behind this is the fact that Angie will not be coming for my birthday celebration. Whats the point of celebrating without her? It is meaningless to me. Somehow this year's birthday is one of the saddest birthday i ever have to face. Sigh...

I really want to thank Joan for accompanying me yesterday. Thanks a lot... i felt much better after that. Though i know u may not have noticeed, but i was real depressed that day. Thanks a lot. Anyway, joan, if u are reading this now, i have a piece of bad news. The doctor over at NUS have confirmed my health condition. Doc told me that he will continue to prescribe medcine for me, hopefully this will be enuf to curb my present condition or else, i will have to commence treatment over at dialysis centre beggining of october. I am scared, sad and helpless. God knows what is lying in store for this wretched life of mine. Sigh...

Exam is tml nine o clock but here i am, with thousands and thousands of questions and doubts in my mind. I am unable to concentrate, to even do a simple revision. My body may be at home, but my mind has wandered off to Angie's house. I dunno if this is wrong of me, but i jus want to see her, even from one corner, thats all i ask for. sigh...

I am not being over possesive, just being anxious and concern over her.

This song is for u Angie...

Insatiable

When moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves, I let it go
We build our church above the street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of youIt bathes my skin,
I’m stained in you
And all I have to do is hold you
There’s a racin’ within my heart
And I am barely touchin’ you

Turn the lights down low
Take it off,
let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on,
never stop Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable

Oh, yeah
The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words, there’s only truth
Breathe in, breathe out, there is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate, our bodies soar
Our feet don’t even touch the floor
But nobody knows you like I do
‘Cause the world may not understand
But I grow stronger in your hands

Turn the lights down low
Take it off,
let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable
Turn the lights down low
Take it off, let me show
My love for you Insatiable

Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable,

baby
Oh, yeah

We never sleep,
we’re always holding hands
Kissin’ for hours, talkin’, makin’ plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep, there’s just so much to do
So much to say
Can’t close my eyes when I’m with you
Insatiable the way I’m lovin’ you
Ooh, ooh, baby Yeah, baby, oh

Turn the lights down low
Take it off, let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable
Turn the lights down low
Take it off, let me show
My love for you Insatiable
Turn me on, never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you Insatiable, baby