despair... useless me....

once again, i failed, failed to get back into the right tracks again. My heart sank to the bottom when i saw my results. My first thought was, why despite putting in effort i still din make it? was it because i am really so lousy? so stupid? so inferior to the rest of the pple? i dun know....

my parents screamed and kept blaming me for what has happened. Everything was pushed to me, and i have to carry every single blame myself... my determination began to waver. I tried so hard but yet i still couldnt make it, and now, i do not even know where i am going to land in. I wanted veri much to enter into SIM, to get a university degree, but much to my despair, no one in the family supports me... i am lef alone...

my parents said that why did not i perform well, why did i fail, why cant i juz get good results. My parents even said that it is my fault that i cant enter into jc... hello, fuck, it was them who tookaway my chance, it was them who stopped me from appealing in when my coach could... i could have used basketball to enter... it was a 100% can lor... stop pushing all the blame to me...

sometimes i juz feel that i am always walking in the shadows of my parents. i am always dicdated to study this, to do what they see best in their eyes, but not something which i wan to pursue... i hate this type of life. i had made a wrong move, and it has cost me a hefty two years, i do not wat to make any more wrong decisions. but even with my conviction, i am still not supported by anyone... sigh......

God, can u juz tell me what lies ahaed of me? maybe it would be nicer for u to juz strike me with a lightning...

thinking, thinking, thinking....

lately i have been pondering over a lot of issues, issues that revel around bgr, friendship and studies. I just had a catch up session with layling today, and i raised up some questions that have been pondering my mind. It just suddenly came to me that why am i doing so much for frens? why a i not showing enuf attention for my own gf? i dun know... there just seems to be a heartknot in my mind.

layling said that i should not go to such extend to help "fren"... i dunno... it is not that i wan to, but i feel i am obliged to... however, i asked myself too, will i be appreciated? will that my efforts be appreciated? i dun know. i dun know at all. however, i am still praying deep in me that somehow or another my efforts will be appreciated and we will be better frens. it has been real ytough for me to have to sqeeuze out that much cash to do what i need to do... felt real helpless when my frens refuse to pay me back whjat they owed me. i dun know what else i can do except to pray for some forms of miracle...

i dun feel like toking anymore... so long....