my mum, a woman that has fantastic imagination that will juz go on and go on to scold about everything that she could possibly think of. yupz, it is true that i am at fault for getting kicked out of poly, but that doesnt neccesary means that i am totally at fault... ah well, it doesnt matter to me anymore, cause i won desire to stay back in the course anymore. in my heart the desire to move out of this house is getting stronger and stronger... once i am able to get enough money to support myself for the first two months, i will move out with no hesitation. to where i dun really know, but one thing i know is to get away from this one hell of a f up mother before i myself get crazy... listen to this conversation

mother: all ur bad result is because u go to spsd, go church, know so many girls... girls made u fail u lousy son

son: wateva... say what u want

mother: go on, go on and get attached, with ur bad results i see which girl wans u... attach somemore la, ur bad results confirm is because of ur girlfren... all because u know them thats why u even pick up smoking...

son: stop insulting my frens... (shut up la... tok so much... fuck(thinks in my mind))

mother: dun giv me this type of attitude i tell u... u beta quit either one... and stop going for all the activities.... u think going will giv u good result is it? giv u money is it? if so go ahead and dun come begging me...

son: ......(speak also no fucking use... move out beta... stop all nonsense)

this is partly why i came up with the conclusion i wanna move out... i mean... hey... this is merely 0.001% of all the words she said... creepy and infuriating right? who ever in my shoes also will get infuriated.... i am no difference... an announcement to all frens here and my girlfren also.... whoever receives call from my mum... hang up instantly and dun speak to her.... if u r my fren.... do this...

A little something

I was a little bit irritated the other day when my girl told me that if i din chased her, it would have been another girl instead. The reason? all because everyone thinks i treated the other girl too nicely. Somehow it has become a rule, or so called a regulation that once a guy gets attached, he should not have very dear female frens neither should he pay attention to other girls or treat them nicely. Seriously, i dun really care about what other people is goign to say about me, because this my life, i am in control and i dun see the need to comply to some so called rules and regulations of this little conservative and out of time society... i mean, whats wrong with being nice? i can choose who i wanna be nice to right? i dun need to seek permissions anyway... hahaha... wow, my real self is coming back once again...

i guess propably girls lack of the sense of security...

well, girls tend to complicate things while guys tend to simplify things. little things that seem insignificant to us we brush it aside but when it comes to the female party, things arent simple as it is anymore.. to me? i feel that it is perfectly fine to have very very dear frens or someone important to me apart from my own girlfren... as long as i know that the one i love and treasure MOSt s my girlfren, the rest doesnt matter anymore... in any case, joan, if u are reading this, i jus wan to tell u that i had never had feelings for her before... not now not ever... the only thing that i have is brotherly and sisterly relationship.. i am jus assuming a role as a guardian angel to protect her but it is u, joan that i will giv my life to... i dedicate myself to u and u r the girl that i love... the only girl... i mean, if i had wanted i would have been a two timing goody bastard... but i am not... because i like u and thats why i choose u to be my girlfren not others... pls know where is my stand ya...

love u always and ever... ivan

A little something(continue)

7 tings to note that u are fatuously in love:

1) you read up on french kissing manuals secretly without knowing why.
2)You stop doing drugs cus you are told to.
3)You miss the bus you are frantically waiting for
4)Waking up every morning with images of her fresh in ur mind
5)Ur heart beats irregularly...(dun get mistaken, it is not the fault of the fatty residues in the artery)
6)U start to take notice of ur own physical appearances more than usual
7) saying "i love u" minusing the sacrecy of the words

hmmm... in case that isnt enough,
Sometimes a little reading up should help!, i.e. you learn the basics and get the basics right, then experiment and try different styles and more advanced techniques.
The basics
1. Brush your teeth, get a good bath, nicely groomed and clean and fresh, before meeting the other person. There's nothing worse than kissing the rear end of a garbage truck
2. Get into a comfortable position - you can't kiss if your back feels like it's gonna break. Suggestion - Sit side by side on a comfy sofa.
3. Hold your lover , firmly but gently - don't cause pain. Suggestion would be to hold the shoulders, the neck or gently on the side of the face, one side or both sides.
4. Move your faces closer. Don't bump noses. Suggestion would be the guy angle his face slightly so you don't bump noses.
5. Kiss gently, normal closed lips kissing, and close your eyes. Closing your eyes increases the sensations you feel, and also sets the mood.
6. Continue kissing gently. Get comfortable with simple closed lips, lip-to-lip kissing before going anywhere else.
7. If fine till here, tentatively, slowly and lightly draw your tongue across the other person's lips.
8. Chances are from here, if the other person lightly parts her tongue, slowly explore the other person's tongue in a light licking motion.
9. The tongue has a very sensitive surface, which is why tongue to tongue is the essence of french kissing.
10. After you've tried lightly licking the other person's tongue, you can try sucking on it, wrestling with it ( see if you can hold it to the floor of her mouth ) and other things like that.
11. Explore the other areas of the mouth. Especially the roof of the mouth. Lightly lick, or tickle the area with your tongue.
12. Don't bite. whatever you do, don't bite.
13. Don't swing your tongue round and round like a windmill. Explore lightly, don't drill your way through.
14. Breathe through your nose. Breathe through your nose. I say again, breathe through your nose.
15. Follow so far? You can lightly use your hands too, lightly rubbing the other person. Suggestions, along the waist, along the back, the arms, especially the inside of the arm, the neck, maybe running your fingers through her hair. Again, don't cause pain.
16. Continue kissing.

the point is never here....

today, i receive three unpleasant misunderstandings.... one from my veri good fren, the other two from my parents... somehow i am veri tred.... it seems like pple start to think worse and worse of me... i dunno why... i began to miss my frens whom i knew since i was a baby... they understood me well, and reallymiss the times when i am with them...
i began to think about moving lately... not just because i dun like my family or wat, but rather i wan to have a life of my own... perhaps it would be better for me to start afresh from all this... i love my parents, but their inability to allow me to choose my own path has really saddened me... besides that, i wish for a period of time for me to think over my future, to do some serious reflections...
layling, dun be angry, i sincerely apologise...

time is running out as i am left with one week, just one week to the result of my appeal. my next week will be a good chance for me to really cool down and think over a lot of issues... mainly spsd, my school, parents, my financial problems which has been quite serious lately and my relationship with joan... i wun go for training next week i guess... i dun have the heart to...

i am not a good boyfren...